The loneliness...

The loneliness is the hardest part of this whole ordeal. I was diagnosed almost a year ago (September 9th, 2010 officially before that) with stage IV breast cancer and I'm lonely. I'm scared and lonely. Fighting this by myself depresses me. I haven't dated since my divorce (filed May 1, 2009 and finalized August 4th, 2009), Would it would be fair to drag someone into my crazy, fucked up life?...I still am hurt beyond belief because of his infidelity at a time when I needed him most. Right when I was in the middle of chemo. I was bald, sick and facing a double mastectomy - losing the "thing" that makes a woman (to most) and I catch him with her. Why?! Why couldn't he have just chosen me?! Why couldn't he just have loved me?! Fourteen years. You would think that I could have a little repect, a little honesty. It destroyed me. It destroyed what self esteem I had left. He destroyed my heart.

Maybe it would be easier if I had someone who was standing by me, telling me they'll be there with me. Yes, my friends are with me but they don't want to talk about it. I think they are afraid too. My children, well, we don't talk much about it because I don't think that they should have to stress about my "illness" or worry about me dying. I'm sure it's hard on them because your mom is supposed to be around awhile right? College, marriage, babies...she's supposed to be able to help you with all that, but what if I don't make it that long? My youngest is only seven years old!

People say "I'm sorry", "you look great" or "you'll be fine" not realizing the severity or that the end result is death. All the while the thing I want most, the thing that would make my world a little more sane, is a hug. A real hug where you feel safe and fuck everything around you. Fuck the cancer, fuck the loneliness, it's just you and I no matter what happens, we're in it together.

I cry a lot. I cry for my girls, I cry because I'm angry, I cry because I'M NOT READY TO DIE! I worry. I worry about my childrens future, what will happen to our pets, how the kids will handle it and if they'll have the support they'll need,..it's so hard being only 41 years old and facing then end of your life. I asked for this though, I asked that my oldest caught be cured of her cancer and I would take all the sickness. Just let her be cured and I would take it a hundred times over for her. I just didn't think it would be this soon.

(sigh) Will I ever get my sanity back? Even if for a little while?