Here we go again...

I've been in the hospital since last Saturday the 24, 2011. My "new" symptom was coughing and shortness of breath. I just couldn't breathe and I called my oncologists' office and asked if I should go to the ER, and he told me to call 911 and go now. I did with a packed bag (they usually have kept me in the past) which was useful because it was no different this time.

I come in to the ER with my oldest daughter (she volunteered to come and wouldn't leave me), unable to breathe, and they listen, take blood, do an x-ray and come back with a diagnosis of pneumonia.

Now I've been having these symptoms for over 3 months and I just had a feeling something wasn't right but the pulmonary doctor kept delaying it seemed my appointments with once excuse or another and the inhalers just weren't doing it anymore. I'm not sure what the fuck is up with doctors anymore...we have to diagnose ourselves and go to them for the medications.

Back to the here and now, I'm now admitted to Banner T-Bird which to me is a wonderful hospital. They've always been the one(s) to figure out what's wrong and find it quickly - like when I had my heart attack. During my stay here, I again was visited on Sunday by one of the doc's from Pulmonary Associates who again wanted to delay doing a Broncho-scope for another 5 days due to my Plavix. He then went on to tell me that he's been with me for over an hour and a half trying to figure out what to do. He made it seem as though I was wasting his time! Even the nurse that was in here found him rude, arrogant and didn't know what to think or say to him!

I fought him on this and explained that it was a delay by a doctor which got me in this position in the first place and I felt I need to know now what is going on with me! Now, not 5 days which would put me at nearly 3.5 months from the onset of the coughing. Reluctantly he went ahead and scheduled the procedure stating that they would only be doing a wash & scrub, no biopsy due to the risk of bleeding.

Monday morning Broncho-scope is done by a doctor who gave me confidence that he knows what he's doing. Dr. Rama??? Now the wait for the "smears" to come back from Pathology. They do late Tuesday night and Wednedsday Dr. Mody comes in and tells me they found a malignancy in my lungs. He's sorry. I'm panicking. My first thoughts are to my daughters and how much time do I have with them. Will this be our last holidays together? My dog, my cat, who will take care of them too. The things I have to do. Get the 4x4 sold, get the trailer sold, clean out the house so no clutter for people to go through. I'm going to die soon. My co-worker died from lung cancer and was dead within 7 months of his diagnosis. Not enough time to do anything really, just die.

I've been a wreck all day while I now wait for the hospital oncologist to come in and speak to me...what will his words be? I've been fighting this shit for almost 2.5 years and still somewhere hoping to wake up and find it is gone. Poof! Just gone. Where does it stop? I don't want the humiliation the degredation of dying by cancer. It destroys you. Tears you apart until you are nothing and then kills you. I DON'T WANT THAT! I WILL GO MY WAY, JUST NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHEN!

Then the respiratory techs come in. They bring me flowers and chocolate. They have children, they're my age, they understand the grief and the frustration. Moms who think about if they were in my position.

It made me cry again knowing that there are people out there that still empathize with others.

So now what? We wait, again, get setup for more chemo, less hair (lmao!), the fatigue, the loneliness again! On and on and on and on...you get the point.