Here we go again...

I've been in the hospital since last Saturday the 24, 2011. My "new" symptom was coughing and shortness of breath. I just couldn't breathe and I called my oncologists' office and asked if I should go to the ER, and he told me to call 911 and go now. I did with a packed bag (they usually have kept me in the past) which was useful because it was no different this time.

I come in to the ER with my oldest daughter (she volunteered to come and wouldn't leave me), unable to breathe, and they listen, take blood, do an x-ray and come back with a diagnosis of pneumonia.

Now I've been having these symptoms for over 3 months and I just had a feeling something wasn't right but the pulmonary doctor kept delaying it seemed my appointments with once excuse or another and the inhalers just weren't doing it anymore. I'm not sure what the fuck is up with doctors anymore...we have to diagnose ourselves and go to them for the medications.

Back to the here and now, I'm now admitted to Banner T-Bird which to me is a wonderful hospital. They've always been the one(s) to figure out what's wrong and find it quickly - like when I had my heart attack. During my stay here, I again was visited on Sunday by one of the doc's from Pulmonary Associates who again wanted to delay doing a Broncho-scope for another 5 days due to my Plavix. He then went on to tell me that he's been with me for over an hour and a half trying to figure out what to do. He made it seem as though I was wasting his time! Even the nurse that was in here found him rude, arrogant and didn't know what to think or say to him!

I fought him on this and explained that it was a delay by a doctor which got me in this position in the first place and I felt I need to know now what is going on with me! Now, not 5 days which would put me at nearly 3.5 months from the onset of the coughing. Reluctantly he went ahead and scheduled the procedure stating that they would only be doing a wash & scrub, no biopsy due to the risk of bleeding.

Monday morning Broncho-scope is done by a doctor who gave me confidence that he knows what he's doing. Dr. Rama??? Now the wait for the "smears" to come back from Pathology. They do late Tuesday night and Wednedsday Dr. Mody comes in and tells me they found a malignancy in my lungs. He's sorry. I'm panicking. My first thoughts are to my daughters and how much time do I have with them. Will this be our last holidays together? My dog, my cat, who will take care of them too. The things I have to do. Get the 4x4 sold, get the trailer sold, clean out the house so no clutter for people to go through. I'm going to die soon. My co-worker died from lung cancer and was dead within 7 months of his diagnosis. Not enough time to do anything really, just die.

I've been a wreck all day while I now wait for the hospital oncologist to come in and speak to me...what will his words be? I've been fighting this shit for almost 2.5 years and still somewhere hoping to wake up and find it is gone. Poof! Just gone. Where does it stop? I don't want the humiliation the degredation of dying by cancer. It destroys you. Tears you apart until you are nothing and then kills you. I DON'T WANT THAT! I WILL GO MY WAY, JUST NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHEN!

Then the respiratory techs come in. They bring me flowers and chocolate. They have children, they're my age, they understand the grief and the frustration. Moms who think about if they were in my position.

It made me cry again knowing that there are people out there that still empathize with others.

So now what? We wait, again, get setup for more chemo, less hair (lmao!), the fatigue, the loneliness again! On and on and on and on...you get the point.

The loneliness...

The loneliness is the hardest part of this whole ordeal. I was diagnosed almost a year ago (September 9th, 2010 officially before that) with stage IV breast cancer and I'm lonely. I'm scared and lonely. Fighting this by myself depresses me. I haven't dated since my divorce (filed May 1, 2009 and finalized August 4th, 2009), Would it would be fair to drag someone into my crazy, fucked up life?...I still am hurt beyond belief because of his infidelity at a time when I needed him most. Right when I was in the middle of chemo. I was bald, sick and facing a double mastectomy - losing the "thing" that makes a woman (to most) and I catch him with her. Why?! Why couldn't he have just chosen me?! Why couldn't he just have loved me?! Fourteen years. You would think that I could have a little repect, a little honesty. It destroyed me. It destroyed what self esteem I had left. He destroyed my heart.

Maybe it would be easier if I had someone who was standing by me, telling me they'll be there with me. Yes, my friends are with me but they don't want to talk about it. I think they are afraid too. My children, well, we don't talk much about it because I don't think that they should have to stress about my "illness" or worry about me dying. I'm sure it's hard on them because your mom is supposed to be around awhile right? College, marriage, babies...she's supposed to be able to help you with all that, but what if I don't make it that long? My youngest is only seven years old!

People say "I'm sorry", "you look great" or "you'll be fine" not realizing the severity or that the end result is death. All the while the thing I want most, the thing that would make my world a little more sane, is a hug. A real hug where you feel safe and fuck everything around you. Fuck the cancer, fuck the loneliness, it's just you and I no matter what happens, we're in it together.

I cry a lot. I cry for my girls, I cry because I'm angry, I cry because I'M NOT READY TO DIE! I worry. I worry about my childrens future, what will happen to our pets, how the kids will handle it and if they'll have the support they'll need,..it's so hard being only 41 years old and facing then end of your life. I asked for this though, I asked that my oldest caught be cured of her cancer and I would take all the sickness. Just let her be cured and I would take it a hundred times over for her. I just didn't think it would be this soon.

(sigh) Will I ever get my sanity back? Even if for a little while?